Jay's got most of her mental facilities intact, so I think we can get the message across to her. I think she will respond to logic, where Daddy just doesn't seem capable any more. Daddy is the instigator of the scenes I've witnessed. I've adopted a no tolerance policy of his trash talk, and he doesn't even try to talk like that to me much anymore (very occasionally he will, but it is usually when Mary is present). When he does, something ignoring him works (no reaction, no response).
Alternatively, I either immediately change the subject by asking him a totally unrelated question, which engages his mind, or else I just tell him I won't talk about whatever it is. What I witnessed when they were still in FL was that Dad would make outrageous statements about Erv, like Erv was stealing money from the H of B's in the order of $25,000 and up from there.
Then Jay would rise to the bait and defend Jay. He also has tried to talk to me about Jay having been a "loose" woman, etc., in her younger days. If he says that to her face, she'll defend herself I'm sure. We'll just have to tell the staff to not tolerate it from Dad and separate them if it escalates.
The meeting with Lynda was very productive and gave us some alternatives to pursue, especially with staffing. I don't have time to write about it now, but in a nutshell, she thinks a total of $6000 from M&D and Jay is quite sufficient to pay for 24/7 staffing, although it may not be with our present staff. She is going to call around today and tomorrow and talk to her contacts who provide staffing for other at home situations.
More later, XOXOXO Anna